Pandemic Puzzle

I just want to say that the pandemic isn't fun anymore.  At first, like maybe two weeks in, it was kind of surreal and edgy.  Annoyingly interesting.  "What is covid-19?"  we wondered.  "A bad flu bug that's fatal to the elderly?"  No one knew what to think really.  Now we know it's no joke.

But we're all on Zoom and Webex happily chatting, thrilled with new-found techie stuff.  You can talk and laugh with your friends and it's kind of a cool thing to do.  (We're so close to being teleported ... I can feel it.)  

I'd guess that parents probably lost the fun factor before everyone else did.  Suddenly you are teaching your kids at home, trying to entertain children that one normally would not see during work hours.  An eternal weekend forced upon us.

And now, these many months later, it is probably safe to say most of the population is fed up with being told they should stay home all the time.  And so, we wait.  

I am working on my third monster puzzle in four months; 1000 pieces of blissful absorption that has the ability to keep me up way past my bedtime.  I have converted to grocery delivery.  What took me so long to embrace this I couldn't tell you.  May I never cross the threshold of my neighborhood grocery store again, unless absolutely necessary.  The money I save not having to wander through the bakery section on my way to get milk.

I have cleaned and oiled the sewing machine and made a bunch of face masks.  Started a quilt with all those running event t-shirts that have lived on a shelf in my closet for a long, long time.  Lots of little projects that were always in the to-do pile have bubbled up to the surface and keep my mind off of my aforementioned numb appendages.

And I should also mention, I have done what I can to keep GrubHub, Door Dash, Uber Eats and InstaCart solvent.  Eating out at home isn't so bad.  In fact it's awesome; you don't have to put on presentable clothing, shoes, saves gas.  I mean, I do miss eating out, but I can indulge behind closed doors and succumb to a blissful food coma afterwords.  No one need ever know that I ate dessert first or half a medium pizza.  Ah yes, the momentary pleasure of a good craving.  

Mood Changes in Multiple Sclerosis

The National MS Society in partnership with The MS Society of Canada have published a short book and accompanying video entitled, “Mood Changes in Multiple Sclerosis.”  In it, the contributors outline the mood changes common in MS and offer strategies for treatment.  The preface states, “We now understand that mood and physical functioning are intricately entwined, and treating one area often brings profound improvement in other aspects of an individual’s life—and the lives of their families.”

Specifically the book speaks about grief, depression, and anxiety, and touches on bipolar disorder and pseudobulbar affect.  There is also a section devoted to fatigue and mood.  Fatigue being one of the most common symptoms of MS it is also not just a physical symptom.  Fatigue can also be a symptom of depression and a change in mood can affect fatigue.

We talked about mood swings at my weekly wellness program recently.  Changes in mood, depression and anxiety are very common for people who live with Multiple Sclerosis.  I struggle with anxiety.  Awaking at night with fear and worries not based in any discernible or otherwise verifiable fact, my fantasies skew in the direction of the catastrophic.

Eventually I signed up for a series of mind-body-medicine-focused anxiety management classes.  In them I learned to recognize anxiety when it arose in me by learning to practice mindfulness.  The later classes in the series added the meditative movement practice of Tai Chi.  And a simple yoga regimen gave me tools to improve my state of mind and gently strengthen my body.  Mindfulness practice has been a game changer for me and I am able to cope much better with stress and anxiety.

There is only one you.  There isn't a spare in the trunk of the car, or stashed in the hall closet, waiting patiently should your current self become too tattered to function.  So, if you've been blessed with a chronic illness and the ups and downs of everyday life become a bit much, which they will, take heart, there is hope.

Life with or without a chronic illness is not easy.  Trying to sugar-coat this stuff in a way that makes it any easier to swallow isn't a very useful way to approach the challenges but neither is pulling the pillow over your head and giving up.  What I would say though, is to try not to add fuel to the fire.  The realities of physical and emotional health can be exacerbated and intensified by a toxic attitude, doomsday perspective or rampant negativity.

Granted, feelings do emerge and can run roughshod across our lives.  Feelings are valid, but they don't have to be in charge.  They can be released.  And just as mysteriously as they pop up, they also fade away.  Holding onto the saga, running the stories of sadness and despair on auto-repeat only deepens the rut they carve out in your thought life.

Hokusai Says

Hokusai says look carefully.

He says pay attention, notice.

He says keep looking, stay curious. 

Hokusai says says there is no end to seeing

He says look forward to getting old. 

He says keep changing,

you just get more who you really are. 

He says get stuck, accept it, repeat 

yourself as long as it is interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.

He says keep praying.

He says every one of us is a child, 

every one of us is ancient

every one of us has a body.

He says every one of us is frightened. 

He says every one of us has to find

a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive -- 

shells, buildings, people, fish, 

mountains, trees, wood is alive.
Water is alive.

Everything has its own life.

Everything lives inside us.

He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn't matter if you draw,
or write books. It doesn't matter
if you saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn't matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your veranda
or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.
It matters that you care.

It matters that you feel.

It matters that you notice.

It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
is life living through you.

He says don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.

Love, feel, let life take you by the hand.

Let life live through you.

- Roger Keyes

Who do you think you are?

Self righteous thoughts give me a lot to grasp and lead to a good deal of suffering.  The whole notion of, I am right, they are wrong, is like a massive rock that I am attached to.  It pulls me down into a murky, miserable place where I feel alone and sad and angry.

To be free of this crushing weight I first have to see it.  The tiny boat of morality and judgment I am floating in bumps into the right and wrong within my perceptions.  But how accurate are my ideas of things?  And, even if they are correct, what really matters most here, my response or what I think another being should be doing?

Discernment is wisdom.  Grasping is everywhere and everyone does it.  Daily I have opportunity to empty the boat that I perceive as confronting my own and let go of the urge to shout at those other boats I inevitably bump into.  I can be angry with someone or I can try to listen, watch, and respond without a mind caught up in the wrongness of that other boat.  I can be still.  Quiet.  Speak late and less.  Answer when asked.  

Not with disdain or malice then I can ask myself, "Just who do you think you are?"  The answer will be without judgment and swaddled in compassion and loving kindness.  I can put down my rock.  I can rest on this path.