Keeping My Eyes Open

 Every now and then I struggle to keep my eyes open.  MS fatigue (lassitude) is unlike normal fatigue.  It's a weariness that makes it challenging to manage daily self-care.  All that matters is that you're able to lie down, somewhere.  When I have days like this, it starts first thing in the morning, even after a decent night's sleep.  I eat breakfast, and despite having a couple of cups of coffee, my body says, "Take a nap, why don't you?"

Full disclosure:  I recently got a new puppy.  Leo.  A yellow coated, chihuahua-terrier mix.  Energy personified, but packaged in a size that accommodates rapid sprints up and down the hallway.  Whoever invented the tennis ball has another tiny canine devotee who deeply appreciates his ball.  

So, needless to say, I am getting more exercise lately.  Fortunately, Leo isn't one to cry through the night.  He tucks in at about my same bedtime and we meet up again in the morning.  He also has taken quite well to a Porch Potty.  I don't have a proper backyard, so it's awesome that he uses this.  He's already signaling his need to go out by running to the back door.  I don't sit down for long these days, but the puppy phase will eventually end. But here are my stats for our first week together:

2386 calories

27,653 steps

12.62 miles

69 flights climbed

To be fair I should also mention the cat.  She's a senior with health issues that have to be tended to.  My master bedroom has become a feline hospice, and the bathroom now houses a litter box, water fountain and food.  

So.... when I found myself with a bit of quiet time to put my feet up and read a little this morning, my eyelids would not cooperate.

I've had to learn to give myself permission to rest and give up the to-do list.  

Notes at 2:00 AM (Got Sleep?)

Drug induced sleep means I wake up in 5 hours.  I need to ask my doctor what I am supposed to be getting out of taking a muscle relaxer for spasticity.  I don’t know which is worse, being unable to fall asleep because of spasticity or taking the medication, not sleeping soundly and waking up with spasticity anyway.

Once I am awake and my brain can tell I am paying attention, whatever is really bothering me gets air time.  This particular morning work decisions are moderating the conversation.

I work for a great company that does really well by its employees.  As a single mother of five, my children and I survived their growing up years primarily on my income.  I have had great benefits and career opportunity.  Although I have not “achieved” in ways that bring accolades and notoriety, starting out as an administrative assistant and becoming an IT professional is not such a shabby accomplishment.  This will be my 19th year with the company.

I would like to wind down a bit as I head into the home stretch towards retirement.  I would love to work a shorter week.  The financial impact of doing that would reduce my ability to save aggressively these last couple of years.  The longer I can work full time the better off I will be later but lately it has become more challenging to make it through the week.  By Friday I am wiped out physically and cognitively.  

So anyway, what am I going to do right now about being awake?  Read?  Maybe I should get up and go downstairs.  Or not.  Hungry.  No eating, too early.  No backlit screens.  Book.  Sleep will come.    

two days later....

Why am I awake again at this hour?  I cannot blame it on the muscle relaxer this time.  What was the first thing I became aware of as consciousness returned?  My left foot jumping about under the covers.  Pain.  Muscle twinges in random places.  Why am I hungry?  I ate a late dinner.  At 8:00 PM I finished off two small chicken thighs and some steamed cauliflower.  Maybe I need a drink of water.  

The vertigo has been back the last several days.  It makes me feel queasy and as if I am about to fall over.  A proprioception issue?  I have been quite clumsy this week.  Banging up my hands.  Dropping things at the grocery store twice the same trip.  Luckily the one that fell to the floor was a plastic bottle.

It has been raining all night.  The sound of the water running through the gutters and tapping softly on the roof is like music.  Soothing.  Peaceful.  There are moments of beauty and spaces of gratitude in most everything.